“If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first
examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be
changed in ourselves.” Carl G. Jung
I was drawn to reading Naomi Aldorts book "Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves"
a long time before i actually held a copy in my hands. Somehow I knew this book was an important read when i came across
it in The Mother Magazine,
but now i realise it is an essential one. I have at times been really struggling with my role as a mother and with feelings of failure when it comes to dealing with my 3 year olds tantrums or 'antisocial' behaviour such as biting or kicking. She has reminded me to take a step back from the behaviour encouraging me to look at my stuff and
to really listen to my son to find out what the real need is rather than storming in with the No's and the don'ts.
I've found that my relationship with my son is improving due to the practical advise, especially of the S.A.L.V.E technique (see below),
but of course it takes work, a whole heap of work. I know however from the improvements that it is worth it.
By gently and respectfully parenting our children,
listening to them and trusting them, it strengthens our relationships and allows them to be the best they can be and that they already are.
"How do we connect kindly with a child who is hitting, grabbing or making a mess? In the normal course of events most of us are looking for a way to “stop” whatever is going wrong. Yet, stopping the child’s expression does not stop the child’s feelings and does not eliminate the cause; it only hurts and confuses the child. Our purpose therefore is not to stop the child’s expression (if safe), but to understand why he must be doing it so we can attend to the cause. Even if not safe, stopping her is only a temporary measure and the cause must be addressed; we must connect and find solutions to her underlying need.
When a child is screaming or hitting, he must have failed to get his needs met in any other way because we have not responded to his subtler cues. There is no reason to feel guilty for not understanding a child; only to embrace our humanity and move on. We are learning to communicate and listen better, so we can understand the child before he is desperate. The following is a formula that will help you transform your habitual reactions into love and understanding:
COMMUNICATION S.A.L.V.E.
Raising Our Children, is indeed Raising Ourselves. To care for the child, you must rise out of your own old repetitive thoughts planted in your mind long ago. Gaining freedom from the tyranny of old thoughts is the first step of the SALVE formula:
S - Silent Self-inquiry
A - Attention on your child
L - Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating
V - Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without adding or dramatising
E - Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him
Don't just take my word for it or for that matter Naomis, get her book, dip into her website
and give it a try.
