Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Broken? It is possible to piece things back together again?

George Triggs Sculpture Broken

George Triggs says "Creating sculpture is trying to express emotion at the core of our existence. Our bodies are vessels responding and interacting with the world through our senses. We store emotional information throughout our person, from the obvious body language to subtle muscle tensions and stress lines. This is our way of experiencing life with the human form used as a language to the soul."

With Chronic Fatigue it feels like you have fallen apart and that you will never be able to put all the pieces back together again. It feels like you are being buried under huge mounds of earth and there is little chance you will be able to come up for air. The hyper sensitivity that goes with it means that you feel overwhelmed, stressed beyond imagining and are left reeling from the simplest of things. Infact most things that you would normally not even notice or even think of as you go about your daily lives left my nerves feeling like they had been stripped bare and raw and i could not take anymore stimulation of any kind, i felt like i would never recover or have any energy again especially after i had pushed myself to do something. I also felt clueless about how to stop it, to get back to normality. Even now there are days when my body feels hypersensitive and overloaded and i don't handle it as well as i would like, my body sometimes seems to scream for the overload to stop, for absolute calm to reign, but this can't always happen, especially with a toddler around. It helps to consciously take myself in hand and drop my breathing right down into my stomach and imagine or physically smooth down my auric firled to stop the stress from escalating until i feel back in control otherwise it can feel that my body is not going to cope. I have to pace myself and to acknowledge what is happening rather than trying to supress it. I have to listen.

 I was dizzy, nauseous, suffered from unrelenting headaches, earaches, i had brain fog which meant limited attention span, limited ability to make coherent conversation, retain information or make sense of things in a logical way. My digestion and immune sytem were shot to pieces and my skin looked like a war zone and that wasn't just on my face although vainly this was the most depressing place for it to show. My skin also felt like it was crawling with bugs and itching. Not forgetting the exhaustion which i have described as a mind numbing, body numbing exhaustion which went to my core, i felt like i was dieing or was already dead, my cells seemed like they had not one iota of light or spin left in them and i was lieing under a huge sludgey stickey dark swamp with no idea where the surface was or how i could even move a finger to find my nose. I was depressed and i felt very alone.

I found that it wasn't enough just to look at what was happening in the body on a physcial level, or what was not happening. It was also important to look at what was being expressed by my body on a spiritual and emotional level, what was it trying to tell me and was i listening? Are we listening to all parts of ourselves?Or are there some things we would rather not face or bring into the open/the light of day.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." This well known speech by Nelson Mandela was orignally written by Marianne Williamson.

I have had/have incredible experiences with spirit- beings of light, my guides, spirit helpers and angels in my life, experiences which have intrigued me, healed me and blown me away, but for a long time i was also scared by being so open. Overtime i had vivid recollections of past lives in which i had been killed and tortured for the healing gifts that i carried, essentially leaving me with a deep fear of stepping up into the light to share these gifts in this life. I had a huge fear of fully engaging in life or of being able to allow and embrace these experiences. It was all stuff that i knew instinctively that i could not share with anyone at school and i don't think it was until much later in life that i shared it even with my own parents, although they of all people would have understood. Of course we all have the ability to see and sense spirit, i believe we were born with it, but overtime we have just lost it or supressed it, perhaps even been told that what we were experiencing was rubbish or all in our minds. But it is possible for everyone to re learn to 'see' and to tune in.

Because of this sensitivity i also felt like a psychic sponge picking up on each and every emotion of people around me feeling what they were feeling and their pain deeply and i didn't know how to process these feelings or how to just allow them to flow through me. Words expressed with negative feelings such as fear, anger, jealousy etc felt like they were literally cutting into me like a knife and i didn't know how to deal with it and i definately didn't see it as a gift. People came to me with their problems and their pain and although i was able to listen and to be present i felt there should be more that i could do. I felt very alone, old beyond my years and on the edge of the crowd. I didn't know where my place was in the world and i often wondered where all my support had gone in difficult moments. Looking back on it it was always there it, it just didn't always come in the way that i expected.

There were of course aspects of school that i loved and thrived on however. I loved sport especially running out on the track and i was good at it. I also loved creative writing, english literature, history and especially art. In these subjects i felt i could shine and i felt alive and whole. But these feelings about myself remained and looking back on it i feel that i unconsciously kept pushing away these spiritual experiences unable to see who i really was. Instead of helping to diminish the fear it ended up doing the opposite. Laura Bruno, a medical intuitive talks about this in her book "The Lazy Raw Foodist Guide" in terms of the effect a reduction in your field of vision has on your body i.e losing your perpipheral vision she says makes us go into the flight or fight response. So instead of protecting me it actually had the effect of making my body feel under stress, increasing the fear and anxiety. We were designed to have a wide field of vision, not just for predators, but now i also believe for the 'unseen' world. Instead of calming me it did the opposite, i wondered why on earth i was here, i began to feel very small and even more unlikeable and the more i played that script in my head the more unhappy i became sowing the seeds for increased ill health. My stomach hurt more often than not (our stomachs are the seat of our emotions, our solar plexus) and i began to get so much pain that i would increasingly have to take time off school because i would be collapsing with vomiting and the most intense stomach aches that the doctors would call it stomach migraines. I became sensitive to food and was in pain after eating (now i know i was also reacting to the gluten and dairy in my food, the former of which was creating a leaky gut) coupled with not liking myself i started to control what i ate re:cutting back on the food i ate because it made me feel better not to eat and not to be in pain. I was literally not able to digest life.

Bill Whitaker looks at this inability to digest life here as he dives into the secrets behind the film "The Secret" with Rev. Michael Beckwith.

When i was 13 years old i manifested a bicycle accident that was very minor in comparison to the resulting year long paralysis of first my right leg and then my whole body. Initially they thought i had cancer and before doing any of the tests they pumped me full of antibiotics and steroids. My body was crying out in pain and i did not listen or more crucially did not know how to listen. My mum says it was very weird and very frightening time because for most of that time she felt i wasn't there, i wasn't in my body. I believe now that it was a shamanic initiation. Eventually after a year of paralysis and hospitals i recovered relearning how to walk again and going back to school. The issues were still there though and as i hadn't dealt with them the first time they resurfaced in another way. I was still having the stomach migraines once a month or more and was gradually getting more and more exhausted having to take big chunks of time out and sleep and crash out after classes, my skin was aweful and i had enormous headaches. I was also dizzy ansd nauseuous all of the time. It is amazing how much shame i have felt over the years for feeling this way and have chosen to hide it, but it is part of my journey and who i am today so i am proud to be sharing it now.
I left school, wow what a relief that was and went to art school which was pure joy suddenly having the freedom and being around more like minded people and doing what i loved. But i still had a horrendous lack of energy so that again i was missing big chunks of time and classes. For some reason i decided to do jewellery design and got in to Middlesex University to do it. However after 3 months, although i had always thought i wanted to be an artist as art had always made me feel so happy and free it just didn't feel like i was in the right place or doing the right thing. aah the waste, what an incredible opportunity missed, but it didn't feel right. My confidence in myself or lack of was reflected in what i thought of my work, i just felt like i didn't measure up. I left and went to earn some money to get me out and travelling. I went to India to do some voluntary teaching for 3 months in a small village called Burua in the Hindu Valley just north of Manali in the Himalayas and then i travelled in northern India and in Nepal. Wow what a place and what an experience. I loved it all, the freedom, the energy, light and colour of the country was mind blowing and i didn't want to come back. I was able to live at a pace that suited me and my energy and i didn't have to conform to anything. I finally had the freedom that i craved. I did unfortunately get quite sick out there as my immune system was quite weak anyway and as many travellers do i picked up some water borne parasites, viruses and stomach bugs and lost a huge amount of weight.

 Neverthless it wasn't until i came back that i began to feel really ill. I had a place at Glasgow University to do Psychology and Anthropology so i came back, not questioning if it was really the right thing or not. Although i quickly knew i had made the wrong descision in terms of the course, it was too much on the intellectual path and often dry leaving little room for my creative side/drive, i didn't feel able to leave another course. I was also now struggling even more with my health, my face and my skin was puffy and in a horrendous state ( in part perhaps in coming back to eating wheat, sugar, dairy etc rather than eating a very simple diet of rice and vegetables) my stomach was refusing to cooperate and my energy was lower than ever. The final nail came when i went skiing with my family and i fell hitting my head and effecively getting whiplash/concussion resulting in increased dizziness, nauseau, headaches and brain fog/short term memory issues. Well to be honest i can't remember when the brain fog started but it was definately not welcome. Despite this i forced myself to keep going with the course even when it was clear that i should drop out for health reasons and when i could no longer get to classes. I was determined not to quit again and i didn't know what else to do but to keep trying to keep it all together. Not listening to my intuition in life has been one of the reasons perhaps that life has not flowed as it should but it has also has taught me how essential it is to do just that.

Listen and trust that although you may not know where it is leading you it will be somewhere good and needed for your own sense of purpose and well being. I clung on out of fear and because i did not know what else to do. Everything just seemed to be falling apart. I did not know what was happening to me and i wanted anwers to my health and to my life. What was i here for, what was i meant to be doing, what purpose did my life have and why was i so stuck? I was angry, sick and unhappy and i wanted some help and some answers. I felt very alone, not knowing, not hearing and not seeing the way forward, but step by step i did find the way. Somehow i was guided despite myself. I was guided by spirit.

I loved Glasgow for it's spirit and for all the wonderful people that i met there and it was great fun in parts. Some of my closest friends i met there while i was studying and it is also where i met my husband ( wow what an amazing man he is, he shone a light into the darkness when no one else could) and some amazing healers who started me back on the road to health. I also came across a buddhist practice, which although i don't follow also allowed me to meet some wonderful people and see the effect that chanting or simple prayer can have on your life. Ultimately i did not want to follow one path or be part of one organisation, but it was very interesting and healing.

I had slowly got worse and worse with the Chronic Fatigue in my first and second years until i collapsed pretty much in my third and fourth years. Managing to get it together to write the required essays despite not going to many of the lectures and doing the final exams despite only a week or two of revision. It started me on a road of education about myself, about diet, health and healing and ultimately what i am here for. I had no choice but it was an amazing wake up call. Looking back at my journals and and at all the information that i have gathered over the years i was given an amazing opportunity to do the most incredible research and by experiencing chronic illness i was given an amazing opportunity to fully understand what that is like at the deepest level and how one might come back from that/ heal from it. Ultimately it gave me the chance to go to the deepest and darkest places in myself and to start to discover who i really was and to begin to see that i was actually ok, infact more than ok.

HELP: The first person that really helped with the Chronic Fatigue in any significant way was someone called Georgia Wolfson who used a method called Holographic Repatterning now called Resonance Repatterning. Sadly i can no longer find her link on the internet so i am not sure what happened to her, or whether she is still practicing, but she was a very special person.

Resonance Repatterning is an extraordinary and powerful therapeutic tool that lets you tap into your body's wisdom and make postitive changes in your life. A repatterning can be likened to re-tuning the waveband or frequency of a radio. The programme we experience in life depends on the frequency we are tuned into whether this is health or sickness, success or failure, energy or exhaustion. In the session information is gathered using the tool of muscle checking, a technique used to access the body's own wisdom.

In Resonance Repatterning the practitioner will muscle check for the negative patterns in the unconscious mind that that person is locked into and then, again using muscle checking, will establish what healing modalities can be use to shift these patterns.The Resonance Repatterning system understands that we exist as fields of vibrating frequencies. Our thoughts, feelings, needs and physical symptoms are all vibratory expressions.
The frequencies we resonate with determine what we experience. We attract and express what we resonate with. If for example we resonate with the frequency of being angry, being sick, feeling rejected not having enough money, or humour, joy of living and passion, then that’s what we’ll draw to us and what will manifest in our lives.The Resonance Repatterning system gives us the tools to change our resonance so we naturally and easily spiral up to a higher energy state of well being and coherence.

We store a lifetime of experiences, memories and feelings in our bodies. Your practitioner asks the body what physical, mental and emotional tension it needs to release in order to return to optimum health. The body is then offered various therapeutic techniques and is able to select the treatment which will help to restore balance. The treatments may include: Acupressure points, breathing patterns, flower remedies, visualisation, tuning forks, meridian massage, colour and light therapy.

I wish now that i had written down some of my experiences during and after these sessions, but i do remember the peace of the room, Georgias healing presence, the fact that she had a great sense of humour and that she would test for what my body needed, even at the start of a session so that i could get the most out of it- for example to sit up or lie down etc. I also remember that in one session in particular we both felt that there were many angels present and i began to feel that there was hope for the first time in a long time.

I feel that Resonance Repatterning cuts to the core, finds the root and addresses it immediately. It is fast and precise and it is one of the most amazing forms of healing that i have ever come across. It has some similarities
with Life Alignment which is also a very powerful technique.

There were many other things that helped in my recovery but those are for future blog posts.

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